Yellow Butter Cake with Milk Chocolate Frosting

This could very well end up being retitled, "Yellow Butter Cake and the Great Milk Chocolate Frosting Cock-up." You've been warned.

A regular of mine is moving away, and so to send her off properly I have decided to give her diabetes. The yellow cake is no biggie, and I am going to admit, I cheated. I have a migraine right now and I don't think I can handle douching up two things that require attention tonight. Box cake, no big whoop. If I burn it I have a back up box in my cupboard. Measurements and cake flour and sifting and all that? I know myself. I will give up halfway through and start throwing things in my mixer at will and then wonder why it tastes like hot buttered ass tomorrow. Gee.

Anyway, I got the feeling that it wasn't so much the cake that was important when talking to Miss Pat, but the frosting. She really likes a good milk chocolate frosting, so that is what we are going to focus on today. After scouring a ton of different recipes, here is what I have come up with:

1 c butter
1/2 cocoa powder (sifted, unless you're like me and want to learn the hard way)
4 c confectioner's sugar (see above)
6 tbsp heavy whipping cream

Basically what is going to happen is we are going to blend the first three ingredients, and then start adding the cream a bit at a time until we get the texture right. Which, I guess, might be different for each person. In my head this frosting is going to turn out creamy and fluffy and easy to work with. Let's do this!

Ok just kidding. I got excited and carried away and forgot take pictures of putting it all together. I only took two, one with only half of the whipping cream put in, and one when all the cream is in and it actually looks like it is supposed to.



As you can see in the first picture, it is grainy and sort of stiff. Also it sort of looks like ass. I don't want to taste it.




As you can see there, it is creamy and fluffier, although the word dog poop does come to mind. I did taste it though. For science and all, you know? It's pretty good. It could probably use vanilla, but then it wouldn't be so milk chocolatey, and I think that would detract from what this lady likes, so I'm leaving it be.

I would tell you how it tastes tomorrow, but I slack on this blog thing, so if you are reading and in the area, you can come taste it yourself at my bar during the day. Miss Pat would want everyone to get diabetes. She's a share the wealth kind of lady like that.

xo

Cinnamon Turds.

Today, for whatever reason, I got the idea into my head that making cinnamon buns would be a good idea. I also thought perhaps it would win me some brownie points with the boyfriend, because hell, if I woke up to freshly baked cinnamon buns I would definitely make like a circus seal in no time. Anyway, I have no previous experience making bread dough of any sort, so this was definitely a challenge. Here is the recipe:



Ingredients:

* 1/2 cup warm water
* 2 pkg. dry yeast
* 2 tablespoon sugar
* 3 1/2 oz. pkg vanilla pudding mix
* 1/2 cup margarine, melted
* 2 eggs
* 1 teaspoon salt
* 6 cups flour
* .
* Filling:
* 1 cup butter, softened
* 1 cup light brown sugar
* 4 teaspoons cinnamon

Preparation:
Mix water, yeast, and sugar together until yeast and sugar are dissolved. Set aside. In a large bowl prepare pudding mix according to package directions. Add margarine, eggs and salt; mix to blend well. Add yeast mixture and blend well. Gradually add flour; transfer to a lightly floured surface and knead dough until smooth. Place in a greased bowl; cover and let rise until doubled. Punch down dough and let rise again.

Roll out on a floured surface. Take 1 cup soft butter and spread over surface. In a bowl mix 2 cups brown sugar and 4 teaspoons Cinnamon; sprinkle over the top. Roll up tightly. Put a notch every 2 inches. Cut with thread or a sharp knife. Place cinnamon rolls on lightly greased cookie sheet 2 inches apart; lightly press each roll down. Cover and let rise to double again. Bake at 350° for 15 to 20 minutes. Remove when they start to turn golden - don't overbake. Frost warm rolls with a cream cheese frosting. Makes about 20 large Cinnabon-like Cinnamon Rolls.

I didn't have any problems until I got to the point where I had to add the 6 cups of flour. I have no idea why I didn't use my kitchen-aid mixer for this, as mixing by hand was incredibly hard. Inadvertently I think I didn't use enough flour as the dough was so sticky it stuck to my hands, even after the first rise. I took the dough out and kneaded it again with more flour and it is currently sitting in a greased bowl for another 45 min.



Ok, I forgot to take a picture while I was rolling the dough out and prepping them for the pan, but I just looked at ehow.com and I am pretty sure my dough is too sticky and not firm enough, because they are definitely not looking like cinnamon rolls. They look more like giant cinnamony turds. Great.



Anyway, right now they are in the fridge and will go into the oven tomorrow morning.

Fuck.

the holiday cookie fiasco part 1

Seeing as I am broke this year and can't really afford to buy anyone anything I'd LIKE to buy them, I decided to send my family a box full of Xmas goodies. When I was a little kid, a coworker of my father's (Evelyn, you rule) used to send home a giant gift basket every Xmas with homemade treats like rum cake, rum (they could have been any sort of liquor, I really don't recall) ball cookies, and a various assortment of other desserts. I fucking LOVED that rum cake and the liquor cookies. Go figure, right? And look at me now. Anyway. In an attempt to recreate those desserts, I decided they would be the foundation of the gift basket I am going to send. Here is the plan so far:

1. Grand Marnier Espresso Ball Cookies
2. Captain Morgan Rum Cake
3. Pumpkin bread
4. Gingerbread Cake
5. Sugar Cookies
6. Black Russian Cake

Tonight I decided to start on the Grand Marnier Espresso Ball Cookies. Here is the recipe:

Ingredients:

* 1 package (9 ounces) chocolate wafers
* 1 cup skinned toasted hazelnuts
* 1-1/2 cups confectioners' sugar
* 1 Tablespoon instant espresso powder
* 1/2 cup Grand Marnier or other orange liqueur
* 2-1/2 Tablespoons light corn syrup
* 1/2 cup granulated sugar

Preparation:
Pulverize the chocolate wafers and hazelnuts together in a food processor. Add the confectioners' sugar and process to combine.

Dissolve the espresso in the Grand Marnier and add to the chocolate crumbs along with the corn syrup. Process until the mixture forms a moist mass.

Break off small pieces of the dough and roll them into 1-inch balls. Place the granulated sugar in a shallow bowl and roll each ball in the sugar to coat.

Store loosely packed between layers of waxed paper in a cookie tin. Let age 1 week before serving.

Yield: 4 to 4-1/2 dozen cookies.


Should be easy right?

First off I gathered my ingredients together and placed them on top of the stove. I realized the recipe called for toasted hazelnuts, but who the fuck carry hazelnuts (not Kroger or Publix, I looked) and I'm certain the store that does is closed considering it's 11 pm. So I substituted pecans. The recipe calls for toasted nuts , so I dumped them into an 8x8 baking pan, poured some melted butter over them and popped them into a 350 degree oven. I figured 10 minutes would be enough. 5 minutes into toasting the pecans I noticed my kitchen was filled with smoke. WTF?

I soon found out this was because I had placed the bag of powdered sugar next to the oven vent, and it had melted the plastic and sugar was now pouring into the back of the oven.

At this point I figured the pecans were toasted enough and pulled them out.

Step 1: Pulverize the wafer cookies and hazelnuts, I mean pecans, in the food processor.

This wouldn't have been a problem if I actually knew how to work my food processor. I'll just leave it at this: my kitchen is now a fucking mess.

Next step was to add the powdered sugar. Seeing as the bag was already open I am sure I averted another disaster while opening the bag. Ok, check, sugar added.


Step 2: Dissolve the espresso in the Grand Marnier and add to the chocolate crumbs along with the corn syrup. Process until the mixture forms a moist mass.

I can do that. I did that. That was no biggie. And that certainly looks like a moist mass, yeah? Yeah. Cool.

Step 3: Break off small pieces of the dough and roll them into 1-inch balls. Place the granulated sugar in a shallow bowl and roll each ball in the sugar to coat.

Ok no problem, except I have no clue how big 1-inch balls are. And I'm not about to call my ex to ask him to come over and take his pants off so I can measure. Fuck it, I'm winging it.


Step 4: Store loosely packed between layers of waxed paper in a cookie tin. Let age 1 week before serving.


Done and done. Except they look suspiciously like sugar coated rabbit turds. I'm going to flatten them.

Anyway, I tasted one, and it's not bad. Maybe they will taste better after they age for that week. If not, sorry Mom & Dad. MERRY XMAS!

Tomorrow, rum cake.

Artichokes

When I was a little kid, my mom always used to make artichokes and dip the leaves in lemon butter. I had forgotten how much I really liked them, and while at the farmer's market today I found some for cheap! So I picked up two and brought them home, figuring it would be easy to cook them up.

Here is the recipe I found:

http://www.ehow.com/how_2310339_cook-artichokes.html

I am confused. I mean, ok it says to cut off the stems so they lay flat. No biggie, but then it says remove the bottom leaves. Where am I supposed to remove them to? They all look the same to me. Ugh.

Also, remove the top part? Because of spikes? I don't see anything, but I cut away the top few leaves that appeared to have rough edges. Into the pan they go.

Anyway, it's been about 30 minutes and the lid on my dutch oven is rattling like I have a family of rats in there, and I'm slightly concerned.

I'll have to post pictures later as I just realized the camera is MIA, and I think my stove is about to catch on fire.