the holiday cookie fiasco part 1

Seeing as I am broke this year and can't really afford to buy anyone anything I'd LIKE to buy them, I decided to send my family a box full of Xmas goodies. When I was a little kid, a coworker of my father's (Evelyn, you rule) used to send home a giant gift basket every Xmas with homemade treats like rum cake, rum (they could have been any sort of liquor, I really don't recall) ball cookies, and a various assortment of other desserts. I fucking LOVED that rum cake and the liquor cookies. Go figure, right? And look at me now. Anyway. In an attempt to recreate those desserts, I decided they would be the foundation of the gift basket I am going to send. Here is the plan so far:

1. Grand Marnier Espresso Ball Cookies
2. Captain Morgan Rum Cake
3. Pumpkin bread
4. Gingerbread Cake
5. Sugar Cookies
6. Black Russian Cake

Tonight I decided to start on the Grand Marnier Espresso Ball Cookies. Here is the recipe:

Ingredients:

* 1 package (9 ounces) chocolate wafers
* 1 cup skinned toasted hazelnuts
* 1-1/2 cups confectioners' sugar
* 1 Tablespoon instant espresso powder
* 1/2 cup Grand Marnier or other orange liqueur
* 2-1/2 Tablespoons light corn syrup
* 1/2 cup granulated sugar

Preparation:
Pulverize the chocolate wafers and hazelnuts together in a food processor. Add the confectioners' sugar and process to combine.

Dissolve the espresso in the Grand Marnier and add to the chocolate crumbs along with the corn syrup. Process until the mixture forms a moist mass.

Break off small pieces of the dough and roll them into 1-inch balls. Place the granulated sugar in a shallow bowl and roll each ball in the sugar to coat.

Store loosely packed between layers of waxed paper in a cookie tin. Let age 1 week before serving.

Yield: 4 to 4-1/2 dozen cookies.


Should be easy right?

First off I gathered my ingredients together and placed them on top of the stove. I realized the recipe called for toasted hazelnuts, but who the fuck carry hazelnuts (not Kroger or Publix, I looked) and I'm certain the store that does is closed considering it's 11 pm. So I substituted pecans. The recipe calls for toasted nuts , so I dumped them into an 8x8 baking pan, poured some melted butter over them and popped them into a 350 degree oven. I figured 10 minutes would be enough. 5 minutes into toasting the pecans I noticed my kitchen was filled with smoke. WTF?

I soon found out this was because I had placed the bag of powdered sugar next to the oven vent, and it had melted the plastic and sugar was now pouring into the back of the oven.

At this point I figured the pecans were toasted enough and pulled them out.

Step 1: Pulverize the wafer cookies and hazelnuts, I mean pecans, in the food processor.

This wouldn't have been a problem if I actually knew how to work my food processor. I'll just leave it at this: my kitchen is now a fucking mess.

Next step was to add the powdered sugar. Seeing as the bag was already open I am sure I averted another disaster while opening the bag. Ok, check, sugar added.


Step 2: Dissolve the espresso in the Grand Marnier and add to the chocolate crumbs along with the corn syrup. Process until the mixture forms a moist mass.

I can do that. I did that. That was no biggie. And that certainly looks like a moist mass, yeah? Yeah. Cool.

Step 3: Break off small pieces of the dough and roll them into 1-inch balls. Place the granulated sugar in a shallow bowl and roll each ball in the sugar to coat.

Ok no problem, except I have no clue how big 1-inch balls are. And I'm not about to call my ex to ask him to come over and take his pants off so I can measure. Fuck it, I'm winging it.


Step 4: Store loosely packed between layers of waxed paper in a cookie tin. Let age 1 week before serving.


Done and done. Except they look suspiciously like sugar coated rabbit turds. I'm going to flatten them.

Anyway, I tasted one, and it's not bad. Maybe they will taste better after they age for that week. If not, sorry Mom & Dad. MERRY XMAS!

Tomorrow, rum cake.

Artichokes

When I was a little kid, my mom always used to make artichokes and dip the leaves in lemon butter. I had forgotten how much I really liked them, and while at the farmer's market today I found some for cheap! So I picked up two and brought them home, figuring it would be easy to cook them up.

Here is the recipe I found:

http://www.ehow.com/how_2310339_cook-artichokes.html

I am confused. I mean, ok it says to cut off the stems so they lay flat. No biggie, but then it says remove the bottom leaves. Where am I supposed to remove them to? They all look the same to me. Ugh.

Also, remove the top part? Because of spikes? I don't see anything, but I cut away the top few leaves that appeared to have rough edges. Into the pan they go.

Anyway, it's been about 30 minutes and the lid on my dutch oven is rattling like I have a family of rats in there, and I'm slightly concerned.

I'll have to post pictures later as I just realized the camera is MIA, and I think my stove is about to catch on fire.